


To Have and to Hold in Secret

by trahelle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Closeted Draco Malfoy, Established Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Established Relationship, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Yule Ball (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 16:36:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16664335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trahelle/pseuds/trahelle
Summary: There were couples all around him — hand-in-hand and cheek-to-cheek — swaying in time to the music filling the Great Hall, but Harry was standing to the side, watching his boyfriend dance with someone else.It’s not as if they hadn’t agreed to this, but even though he knew that Draco didn’t feel that way for her, seeing him dancing with Luna made Harry’s heart ache. Draco’s slender fingers grasped hers delicately as his other hand scarcely rested on the hollow of her waist, but the touch still managed to hurt Harry even from across the room. It was petty, he knew that full well, but even his shame couldn’t erase the pain it caused him. In public, she could have Draco, any witch could have Draco and no one would bat an eye, but exchange that person for Harry and both the press and Lucius would have a field day.





	1. Chapter 1

The glow cast by the floating candles glittered as it reflected in the ice sculptures and crystals suspended mid-air. There were couples all around him — hand-in-hand and cheek-to-cheek — swaying in time to the music filling the Great Hall, but Harry was standing to the side, watching his boyfriend dance with someone else.

It’s not as if they hadn’t agreed to this, but even though he knew that Draco didn’t feel that way for her, seeing him dancing with Luna made Harry’s heart ache. Draco’s slender fingers grasped hers delicately as his other hand scarcely rested on the hollow of her waist, but the touch still managed to hurt Harry even from across the room. It was petty, he knew that full well, but even his shame couldn’t erase the pain it caused him. In public, she could have Draco, any _witch_ could have Draco and no one would bat an eye, but exchange that person for Harry and both the press and Lucius would have a field day.

“Are you quite alright, Mr. Potter?” Professor McGonagall asked, ambling up next to where Harry stood next to the refreshments table on the outskirts of the festivities. “You look a bit ill.”

“Ah, uh — yes, Professor, I'm fine,” Harry lied, stealing another glance at Draco from the corner of his eye.

“Could have fooled me, Mr. Potter; what with the way you're watching Miss Lovegood and Mr. Malfoy.”

Harry could feel his face heat. He and Draco had decided not to attend together because it was safer if Lucius didn’t discover their relationship. He didn’t even know that Draco was gay — no one did. So, both Draco and Harry agreed it’d be best for Draco to escort a suitable witch to the ball, but it would all be for nothing if Harry was being so obviously jealous. He wasn't helping either of them by staying.

“You know, truthfully, I'm not feeling very well after all. Would it be alright if I left early? I think I'd like to go to bed now.”

McGonagall pursed her lips, but nodded curtly.

“Thanks, Professor,” he said, stealing a last glance at Draco before turning and leaving the Great Hall.

After the stuffiness of the ball, the cool air of the entrance hall refreshed him, letting him think clearly for the first time in hours. After standing on the sidelines, watching the man he liked — loved even — dancing with someone _suitable_ for the whole evening, Harry couldn’t remember when he’d last felt so isolated. Even though he didn't hold it against Draco, he hadn't exactly been fair to him either. They were in the middle of a war and Draco was in a dangerous position. With his father being who he was and believing what he did about gay people, it was a matter of safety that Draco remain closeted. Harry respected that, he really did. There were just times when knowing that in his head didn't help control how his heart felt.

Harry stopped where he stood in the middle of the deserted corridor, suits of armor lining the walls around him. He lacked the energy to keep walking, the weight of his loneliness felt like an anchor holding him in place. Dejected, he stumbled over to a pair of medieval knights and slumped between them, not caring how his dress robes were being crushed by doing so. His knees in front of him, he put his head between them and didn't bother to blink away the tears that lined his eyes.

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there when he felt a hand on each knee. “I've been looking for you, darling.” Harry looked up to find Draco kneeling before him, watching his face intently.

Harry looked around. “Where's Luna? Shouldn't you be at the ball?” Harry asked, suddenly feeling very guilty that Draco was here with him instead of her.

“Turns out she had someone she couldn't go with either, so we helped each other out and we assumed that if the golden boy got to leave, we could, too,” Draco said, smiling warmly and standing. He brushed off his already spotless robes and held out his hand to help Harry up.

“Come on, the night's still young.”

“Where are we going?”

“Can’t say, that'd spoil the surprise if I told you!”

Draco bounded off down the hall. His long legs covered ground faster than Harry's short ones could and soon he was dragging Harry behind him. Draco stopped, squatting down and holding his hands out, “Jump on, slow poke!”

“On your back?”

“Where else? Come on, it might not be faster, but it’ll be more fun,” he said, turning slightly to wink at Harry.

“What if I hurt you?” Harry asked, his tone serious. He had never done this before, but even with Draco he was a bit embarrassed to say so. It always felt like he was being a downer when he talked about his lack of childhood experiences.

Draco gave him a knowing look, but didn’t say anything about it. “You won’t — I promise. Trust me,” he said, wiggling his hands to show he was ready.

Still worried, Harry jumped on his back, a swooping feeling in his stomach when Draco caught and adjusted him with a little jump and wiggle. Giggling, Harry wrapped his arms around Draco's upper body, resting his head on Draco’s shoulder and breathing in the familiar lemon and rosemary aroma. The scent was warm and comforting; Harry couldn’t contain his contented sigh.

“Comfortable, cutie?” Draco asked.

Smiling, Harry nodded into his shoulder.

“Good, keep your eyes closed.”


	2. Chapter 2

After a long, winding walk through the castle, Draco carrying Harry the whole way as he rested his head in the crook of Draco’s neck, he gently set Harry down. 

“Keep those eyes closed, Potter,” Draco said, affecting his old tone. Harry chuckled, but didn’t reply, instead listening to Draco walk past a few times in silence before opening a door and leading him forward. 

“You can look now,” Draco said, squeezing Harry’s hand. 

Harry opened his eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the strange lighting. Glowing orbs hung suspended in mid-air like fireflies, faintly illuminating a polished, wood floor. A single table sat to the side, a record player on top, which played old American Jazz, the melodic sounds filling the empty room.

“I thought since we didn’t get the chance to be together at the ball, we could have our own celebration here,” Draco said, sounding a bit apprehensive. Harry could feel Draco’s eyes on him.

“It's perfect, Draco.” Harry turned and bowed low, still holding Draco’s hand and smirking when he rose, “May I have this dance, Mr. Malfoy?” 

“You may, Mr. Potter,” Draco said in his posh accent, inclining his head to Harry and swinging him around to take him in his arms. Far from the impersonal distance Harry had seen between he and Luna earlier, Draco held him close, pulling Harry by the waist into his touch as they swayed in time to the music. 

“I missed you earlier,” Draco said, leaning down to whisper in Harry’s ear. 

“I missed you, too.” Harry swallowed hard against the anxiousness constricting his throat. “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable by watching you and Luna during the ball. I’m sorry I did,” Harry said, embarrassment coloring his tan face. 

“Why do you say that?”

“McGonagall mentioned that I was observing the two of you and looking a bit ill. I don’t think anyone else noticed, but I figured it was safest to leave.”

“So _that’s_ why you left early,” Draco said more to himself than Harry. After a pause, he said, “I’m sorry… about tonight I mean, well, about all of it,” he said, looking away.

Halting their movement and cupping Draco’s face between his hands, he turned Draco’s head, their eyes meeting. “Your situation is not your fault and you have nothing to be sorry for,” Harry said, determined for him to understand. “It’s the best we can do right now.”

“Is it?” Draco asked, looking down at Harry, incredulity in slant of his brow. 

“Yes, for the time being it is; moreover, it’s smart. I don’t want you risking your safety just so we can be out. You being  _ okay _ is what’s actually important.”

“I  _ want _ to be out with you, you know that right?”

“I do,” Harry said, grasping both Draco’s hands in his own, “I promise, but what matters to me,” he said, shifting their clasped hands between their chests like a line connecting their hearts, “is how we feel together. The rest isn’t important.”

“You shouldn’t have to be out alone, though.”

“And you shouldn’t come out until you’re ready. Skeeter outed me — I didn’t have a choice in it. Do you really think I want the same thing for you?”

“I know you don’t, but I feel selfish not saying anything — for making you go this alone.”

“You’re not selfish and I know you’re not ashamed of us, but Lucius is a bigot. While you still have to go to his home during the holidays, you’re in a much less vulnerable position if he doesn’t know,” Harry said, all the while aware that no matter what he said, it would do little to assuage Draco’s guilt. Changing tact, he said, “We have tonight, we have each other, let’s enjoy it, okay?”

“Yeah,” Draco said distractedly, but Harry could see he was shaking, fiddling with something in his pocket. He pulled it out, but hid it within his clasped hand. He met Harry’s eyes, gazing intently. “I know that Christmas isn’t till tomorrow, but I wanted to give you your present tonight.” 

“You weren’t supposed to get me anything.”

“Shut up, you prat. Of course I was going to give you something — did you really believe that I wasn’t?” He asked, shaking his head, but the corners of his lips were upturned slightly. “Besides, I didn’t really  _ get _ you anything, so much as I’m  _ giving _ you something.” 

He took Harry’s hand, adjusting it so his palm was face up and set something cold in it, clasping his hand over top of it. “Before I show you — this is one of those wizard customs, just keep that in mind…”

He removed his hand and Harry adjusted his own to look at the object in the light. It was a signet ring, onyx in a silver setting fixed on a long chain, Harry could plainly see the Malfoy crest on its face. It was Draco’s ring — the one he wore around his left pinky, the one that signified his identity. Harry had never seen him without it. “You’re giving this to _me_?” 

Draco took the chain, undoing the clasp and placing it around Harry’s neck, adjusting the ring on it till it sat over Harry’s heart. “Someday, I’d like to see you able to truly wear it, but for now you can keep it with you so you always know…”

“What?” Harry asked, his voice uneven, his eyes fixed on Draco’s face. 

“That I’m yours to have and to hold, even if it’s in secret.”


End file.
